The Cajun and the Artist
by EE's Skysong
Summary: Parody of The Thief and the Cobbler. Piotr is a poor cobbler living on the streets. Thanks to Remy and his stupid Inner Monologue, he ends up nearly killed, falling for Princess Kitty, and having to save the city... Just read and review it, all right!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: "The Amityville Toaster. Make breakfast spooky."

(An: Well, here we go again. I can't swear the credibility of the dialogue or action in this because I have to fake it from my vid. I highly reccomend everyone watch this movie if they can get their hands on it because it's funny and the animation is the "acid trip with no nasty side effects" type. The parts listed here on the thingy are only the main characters because there're a lot of bit parts throughout the movie and like I've said I don't have a script that lists them all. I do ship Kurtty but I try to pick the cast according to the characters and not my preferences (which is why I haven't done a Romy parody yet). Symbols! Bold is song lyrics and emphasis, and italics is Remy's Inner Monologue (hereafter referred to as RIM) because he doesn't really say much. Also, these chapters are going to be way shorter than the ones for Mutants and Vegetables Just Don't Mix. See above rant.)

Tack: Piotr!

Princess Yum-Yum: Kitty!

Zig Zag: Pietro!

The Thief: Remy! (Duh!)

King Nod: Magneto!

The Three Courtiers: Sabretooth, Jason, and Mesmero!

Nanny: Mystique!

Head Brigand: Logan!

King One Eye: Lance!

The Fearless Scout: Evan!

Piotr begins a voiceover as we zoom in on a field of stars. A swirly ball of smoke (supposedly the center of a star) is the main attraction. "Um, excuse me, but am I not Russian?"

Author: Yes, well, you reminded me of Tack, ok?

"Legend has it that each shooting star is really an Arabian knight riding across the heavens. And at the center of every star is a story untouched by time. Long before the heroic tales of Aladdin and Ali Baba the first Arabian knight was chosen. But where would destiny find someone so courageous and pure of heart?" The star turns into a little window that zooms across the desert, focusing on Bayville.

"I always thought Bayville had unnatural geography, but that's just nuts," Storm, who is as usual my director, objects.

Author: Come on, play along.

"May I continue?"

Author: Do.

"Amid the swirling sands of the Great Arabian Desert was the Golden City of Bayville, and at its center, an enchanted castle dedicated to reason and goodness. High atop its tallest tower were three golden balls whose magic protected it from the evil King Avalanche and his army of darkness." We zoom in on said tower and balls, and then the view switches to a really freaky army, led by Lance.

"Why am I your villain!"

Author: Say it with me: I. Hate. You.

"According to the prophecy if the balls were ever removed, Baghdad would be in great danger." Back to the golden balls, which get eaten up by smoke. The scene switches back to the really freaky army and a closeup on Lance. "With only the Golden City left to conquer, the terrible Avalanches were on the march."

"Avalanches win again!" Lance cries.

"Avalanches! Avalanches!" chant his army. His army consists of Random Lance Clones and the occasional Freaky Horse. We focus in on Evan, who has all sorts of arrows sticking out of his back.

"Man this stings!"

"Poor baby," his aunt soothes. "If you weren't a Morlock I'd help you."

"Hey! They needed me!"

"Say what you will," Storm replies with a shrug.

Evan glares at her, but gets back to the script. He staggers onto a horse. Note the flag featuring the Avalanche symbol (a mountain) sticking out of his back. "Must... warn... the king..."

He finally manages to mount the horse as Lance's voice in the background states, "And I shall conquer the Golden City!"

Author: Ambitious little squint.

"What did I ever do to you, lady!"

Author: You dated Kitty. Go figure. If I ever write a main Lancitty, may I be struck by lightning. And may my insurance company count it as an act of God and therefore my med bills payable.

Evan rides through some hills that resemble an impressionist painting, gasping but luckily not dying. "But the evil King Avalanche had overlooked one fearless scout who went to warn Baghdad before it was too late." The shot fades out to a view of Bayville, which looks a lot more marblely, sparkly, and gold-decoed than the city we're used to. "As for who was going to stand up against Avalanche's army, that's where our tale begins. Little did I know that the shooting star I had seen last night was to be my own." We go into a cobbler's shop (which we know is a cobbler's shop because of the sign shaped like boots) and see Piotr stretched out on a pallet, fast asleep. He has tacks in his mouth and is hammering at something in his sleep, accidentaly bashing himself but not waking up. "At the time I was a poor orphan working as a cobbler's apprentice- Wait a minute." Piotr stops narrating. "If I'm asleep there, how can I be narrating this?"

"Same way Magneto narrated in 'Mutants and Vegetables Just Don't Mix,'" Storm responds. "You're in a magic voiceover booth that allows you to be in two places at once."

"If I act like I accept that, can we move on?"

"Yep.

"Life was simple, but all that was about to change. Not too far away in another part of the city lived a thief, a man of few words but many thoughts." The scene focuses in on Remy, dressed in a very dirty trench coat, and hiding behind a wall.. Colossus muffles a very undiginified snort.

"Ugh! Why am I dressed like dis? And what's up wit' de flies!"

Author: Supposedly the theif's never heard of soap. It's pretty funny, actually. And you're not supposed to talk, remember? The theif has only a few lines that are actually spoken, and most are grunts and such.

"Sounds like a fascinatin' guy." Remy clears his throat (which isn't necessary since really he's only doing a mental voiceover) and gets into character. _"Good mornin' Arabia. I've had my coffee, read the paper, and now it's time to get to work!" _He reaches out and grabs a gilt saddle from a shelf._ "Mine... "_

"The theif took his job very seriously. He would steal anything, especially anything gold," Piotr narrates, as Remy runs along the street, grabbing various things from shelves as he goes.

"At least I finally get t' indulge my kleptomania," Remy mutters.

Author: HA! I knew it!

"...Did I say dat out loud?" Remy shakes himself and peeks out from behind a fountain. He sees an old woman- Mystique- in a dark black coat, making her way across the road. She's clutching something yellow.

"Scuse me," Mystique says, holding up her arms. "Why did you pick me for this?"

Author: It's really very simple. You were there. And of course, the old lady's arms are blue.

Mystique glares but shuts up.

Back to Remy's Inner Monologue. _"There's something gold right now!"_ Remy creeps up on Mystique._ "What does that old hag have in her hands? Is it a gold statue?"_ He comes up behind her and grabs at it. As he finds out what it is,_ "No? Why it's BANANAS!"_, Mystique grabs him and slams him over her head and on the ground. She knocks him about, and everything he just stole comes spilling out. "OW! I worked hard for dat!"

"You weren't going to get to keep it anyway, you know," Storm comments.

"It de principle of de t'ing!"

"Just go on with the script please." Storm rubs her temples. "I need an aspirin."

_"Ow ow ow!"_ Mystique stomps on him, then picks up her bananas, tucks her deceptively skinny arms back under her shirt, and walks off, humming. Remy, who is tied in a knot, hops off._ "I think she used to work in my school cafeteria!"_ After a bit of walking, he reaches the cobbler's shop, peering inbetween the boots that stand for the sign/door. _"Hmm, this place looks relatively free of old ladies..."_

"Now what the thief thought he was going to find in my cobbler's shop I'll never know. But that's where all the trouble started," Piotr says, as Remy creeps up the stairs.

_"What a dump! Nobody lives like this except college kids!"_ Remy comes up on Piotr, who is still asleep. He sees a little brown coin purse sticking out of Piotr's pocket and grabs it. He opens it, and is rewarded with a bunch of moths. "Pathetic. Y' know, it's against the theif's code t' pick one o' your _ami_'s pockets."

Author: Yes, well in this, you two despise each other. -shrug-

Disbelieving that anyone could be so poor, Remy sticks his nose in the bag. Piotr, who is apparently more aware than he looks, grabs out, still asleep, and gets Remy in a headlock. He bangs on his head with the hammer several times. "Owoowowowowow! I take it dis character gets beaten up a lot?" Remy asks, looking dazed.

Author: Yep. Get used to pain.

Piotr lets him go, and Remy tries to scramble away, only to have Piotr- who is still asleep- grab him with his abnormally long legs. "I t'ink I'm gonna be sick," Remy mumbles. "Dis is a very uncomfortable position."

Piotr opens one eye. "How do you think **I** feel, comrade!"

Thankfully, the scene switches to the street outside the cobbler shop. Two Horn Dudes come down, blasting a fanfare, followed by a Gong Dude, and then a bunch of Ninja Type Dudes with Whips, all chanting, "Make way make way make way!" Behind all of them are the Three Courtiers, a.k.a. Sabretooth, Jason, and Mesmero.

"How come he gets called by name when we are only codenamed?" Mesmero asks.

Author: Well, they never mentioned your name in the show, and I'm too lazy to go look it up in the comics, and I would only end up calling Sabretooth Viccy."

Sabretooth growls loudly, but Storm holds up a ball of yarn. "You get it after your cameo, ok?"

Sabretooth mews. "I'll be good! Yarny!"

They get back to the action, chanting, "Have no fear, have no fear, Pietro your grand vizier is here!"

"Hail Pietro! Pietro your grand vizier is approaching!" comes over a megaphone type thing.

Back to the cobbler's shop, where Piotr is still holding Remy between his legs- sorry guys- and is now stitching his pant legs to Remy's Very Dirty Trench Coat (tm). "Does everything need a trademark in your mind?" Storm asks, hand on her hip.

Author: Well, no, but when it's capitalized like that I just can't resist. -shrug-

_"He's stitching me up like a boot! Sorry kid, this boot was made for walking!" _Remy tries to walk off, but gets stuck again as Piotr resumes a normal sleep position. "Can't... breathe..."

Author: If you couldn't breathe, you couldn't talk. So there.

Back to the street, where Pietro is coming down it. He obviously enjoys being worshipped. "Damn straight!" He is walking down a piece of carpet that is continuously being rerolled and placed in front of him so he doesn't have to touch the ground. "It's dirty!"

Author: It's a good thing I picked a movie where they can swear...

"Come on everybody, put your hands together for your grand Vizier!"

"Everyone knew the sorcerer, Pietro, was immensely powerful. Over the years he had gained the king's trust... and no one else's."

Back to the cobbler's shop, where Remy finally manages to stand up. "Dis is disgustin'! Remy feel dirty."

Author: This **is** bad. He's talking in third person.

Remy stumbles down the stairs, going head over heels and dragging Piotr along for the ride. Pete finally wakes up. "Huh? Hey!" They spill out onto the street, and various cobbler stuff, mostly tacks, fall out onto it.

One tack, sadly, lands just in front of Pietro's outstretched foot and he steps on it. Pietro screeches in agony. Piotr runs around his back, but is spotted. Pietro pokes him in the nose, crying, "Seize him! Take him! Seize him! Take him!"

Remy frees himself and slinks off as Piotr gets cornered by Random Card-Like Guards with Big Swords.

The Three Courtiers are highly amused by this, and chant- "No way! Chantin' was **not** in my contract, dammit!"

"You want the yarn or not, Viccy?" Storm asks.

Sabretooth seems hypnotized. "I'll be good..."

**Any**way, the Courtiers chant, "Take him and seize him! Take him and seize him!"

"Take him to the palace!" As Pietro utters this command, Piotr gets ringed in by the RCLGwBS, who make their swords into an H shape around his neck.

"I cannot even do a dramatic gulp."

Author: Pity.

Leaving Piotr in a state of undetermined peril, the scene switches to the palace, and Princess Kitty's room. "I, like, get to be a princess? Cool!"

Author-eyes bug out, faints-

"What was that, like, about?"

"She's never had a character not complain about casting in her parodies," Storm explains.

"Oh, like, right."

Author-deep breath- I'm better now, do continue.

Everyone Else-thinking- Damn.

Mystique walks in, still clutching her bananas, as Kitty gets out of bed... fully dressed.

Author: Plot Irregularity Number One.

"Good morning!"

"Oh..." Kitty sighs.

"Why, what's the matter Princess?" asks Mystique, in Caring Motherly Mode. Which is very unusual for her, by the way. "Hey! I'm a good mother!"

Everyone Else-snort-

Author: Oh, yes, so you dump your son off a bridge to save yourself, and manipulate every little detail of your adopted daughter's life? I am SO sure. ...I don't know where that came from.

"Oh, I'm in a royal rut nanny," Kitty explains, as she puts on her crown and the heart-shaped pendants that go with it. Or rather, Mystique puts them on. "I know I could do more, if I just had the chance. This life I live in regal splendor seems a waste. It's all pomp and circumstance nanny. If I could help father, instead of just sitting at his side..." She walks over to a model of the palace and picks up a little figurine, placing it by another one inside the palace. Cue Song Music... "If I could help just one person... maybe then he'd understand there's more to me... I'd be doing something useful!" She walks over to a fountain and gazes at herself in it.

"Who puts a fountain in somebody's room?" Storm asks, head cocked.

"**Yes the pretty face**

**Yes the sunny smile**

**Yes each hair in place **

**And yes, she can beguile**," she does a dramatic (and obligatory) Reflection Splash, walking over to the murals on her wall, all which feature a younger her.

**"Proper and polite**

**Never makes a wave**

**Born just to delight**

**And bred to behave**," she touches a picture, covering herself, and then launches into the Obligatory Eastern Style Dance-thing.

**But she is more than this**

**There's a mind in the body **

**Of this pretty miss**!" She dances out to the balcony, scattering irate pigeons, still in Random Eastern Dance Mode.

**She is more than this**

**So much more**

**So much more**

**She is more than this!"**

Her nanny joins her, all trembly and such. "I hate being old ladies," Mystique mutters, then goes into an equally trembly voice. "Just like your mother, out here without a veil." She drags Kitty back inside, and gets her to sit down, ignoring how she goes on singing pointlessly.

"**Outwardly she's free**

**Inwardly she's bound**." Mystique affixes a veil onto Kitty, and puts on her shoes.

"Jeez, high maintence?" she mutters.

"Well I am, like, a princess!" Kitty chirps.

Author: And you're also complaining about it.

**"Given half the chance**

**She might prove profound!**

**Have a thought or two**

**Different from the rest**." She drags Mystique up, clinging to her face. Mystique mumbles confusedly.

**Has a point of view**

**That must be expressed!**" She releases Mystique and launches back into Random Dance Mode. Mystique is still fixing veils onto her.

**Yes she is more than this**

**There's a mind in the body **

**Of this pretty miss!**

**So much more**

**So much more**

**She is more than this!"** As she finishes, for some reason Mystique gives her two roses. She admires them and then wrinkles her nose."Ugh, it's that awful Pietro!"

We see poor Piotr, being dragged along by the RCLGwBS. He glances up and their eyes meet."As Pietro's guards were taking me inside the palace, I gazed upon the princess for the first time. I had never seen anyone so beautiful."

Author: Say it with me now- awwww!

As usual, Remy's tagging along. He glances up and spots the golden balls, fascinated. "Ooooooh... sparkly!"

"And the thief had never seen anything like the golden balls."

_"Hello betty... cha-ching!_" He tries to get into the palace- and thus to the "sparkly" golden balls- but they close the gates just before him._ "Hey, wait wait, guys, don't close them- ah, no..."_

"All right, that's that!" Storm cries.

"Finally! I must shower, t' get dis awful memory from m' mind," Remy mutters, walking off.

"Eurgh," Piotr mutters. "Does anyone have any spare brain bleach?"

Pietro is dancing around. "Ha ha! Finally, I don't have to be a vegetable or something equally freaky! And I get to be a villain!"

Author-cackles- Wait till you see what I did to Toad...

(That's that. Took me long enough. Bad idea to start a new story, you say? Well, I say this: I shall only update this on weekends, weekends I say! ...then why am I uploading this on a Wednesday? Because it's been lurking around on my computer for a week and a half now and it's beginning to bug me. Eh, whatever. Next chapter: Pietro plots, Piotr gets in trouble, and yes, we see what I did to Toad!)


	2. A Golden Backscractcher Just Ain't Worth...

Disclaimer: "Would you like a cup of tea? I would, because I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like a crumpet? I would, because I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like to wear knickers? I would, because I'm Winston Churchill."

(An: Well, here we go again. And Yellow Submarine-faints- Here I thought only me and my freaky friends (and my parents, but they were around when the Beatles were, so they don't count) had seen it. "It must've been one of those unidentified flying cupcakes! Or a figment of me imagination... But I don't have an imagination." And someone else has actually seen -this- movie. Le shock.)

"Ok, like, hold it!" Kitty yells, just as we are about to start, I might add.

"What?" Storm asks.

"This!" Kitty cries, brandishing her script. "Page three. 'Kitty goes up to Magneto, who is asleep, and **kisses him on the nose**! EWWWW!"

"It's part of the princess thing," Storm says, rubbing her temples. "You agreed to be a princess, thus the king is your father. Get it?"

"Siiiiick..."

"Can I ask one thing?" Magneto asks.

"You already did, but do," Storm responds.

"Why do I have to be the old, panicky guy?"

Author: Because it was either you or Xavier, and let's face it, without the bucket you look way older than Xavier.

"IT'S A HELMET!"

Author-sigh- Storm, knockout gas, please?

Storm cackles and lobs it.

Author: Now then, without any more **interruptions**?

Kitty sighs, resigned. She creeps over to Magneto, who is sleeping on a pile of pillows, and kisses him on the nose. "Wake up! Wake up, father!"

"H-eh-wha?" Mags stammers, trying to focus.

Pietro swoops in, followed by the Three Courtiers and Random Black Dudes with a Pavilion. "HOLD UP!" Pietro screeches.

"What now!" Storm yells.

"Magneto's my dad. Thus, that would make Kitty my **sister**. And I thought you shipped Tabietro, dammit!"

Author: Well, I do, but it's in the script, and the only Kitty pairing I despise more than Lancitty is Kietro. -shudders-

"**Yuck**..." Pietro mutters.

"Believe me, Speedy, the sentiment's, like, mutual," Kitty replies, sneering.

"I'd say you've been spending too much time with Rogue, but for the like," Storm comments.

Author: Can we **please** just keep going!

"Oh, all right," Pietro mutters, and bows. "Oh great King Magneto, have no fear, Pietro, your Grand Vizier is here!"

He steps offscreen and we see the Random Card-Like Guards with Big Swords come in, sweeping Piotr ahead of them. "I am so confused," Piotr mutters.

"Oh... it's you... Pietro..." Magneto responds, looking not at all thrilled.

"Strange creature," Mastermind comments. "I'm getting a headache from all this weird animation."

"Oh, look, you're dropping your tacks," Sabretooth jeers. "That is a **pathetic** insult."

Ignoring them, Piotr and the Princess glance at each other

"Hmm?" Kitty murmurs, cocking her head to the left.

"Hmm?" Piotr echoes, copying her.

"Hmm," Kitty repeats, cocking her head to the right.

"Hmm." Ditto for Piotr.

"Hmm," Kitty mutters, shaking her head.

Author: The most romantic monosyllabic conversation you'll ever see.

Pietro, oblivious to all that, sneaks up to Magneto, who is still half-asleep, and butters up to him. Kitty, behind Magneto, is rolling her eyes. "Oh greatest king of all the earth," he takes out a stick and points at Piotr, as the RCLGwBS walk off, "this low-born cobbler," Piotr, smart boy that he is, tries to follow the Guards, but Pietro guides him back with his stick, "of no worth, attacked me in the square today." He makes a throat-cutting gesture with a big grin. "Shall we take his head away?"

"What... oh, oh, well, yes, Pietro, if you **really** think so," Magneto replies, who has been asleep all this time and clearly hasn't heard a word Pietro said.

"But... what has he done?" Kitty asks.

"Attacked me," Pietro responds, pulling a tack from Piotr's mouth.

Author: Pun Alert!

"Oh really," Kitty says, raising her eyebrows.

"Yes!" Pietro hisses. Piotr tries to escape at the same second that Pietro tries to step forward, making Pietro trip. "Ow! Ow! You great fool!" He stops him by holding him with his foot.

Everyone else: O**kay**...

"At least it's not with his legs," Remy comments, shuddering, off screen.

"What? What? What what what?" Magneto reawakens, utterly confused. Kitty thinks this is hilarious, giggling. Piotr tries to gather up his tacks, sticking them in his mouth... even though they've spent the last couple of minutes on the floor.

Kitty, getting an idea, takes off her shoe. It's a cloth Eastern-type shoe. She breaks it and dangles it in front of Magneto. "It just so happens Daddy... I need a cobbler."

"What?" Magneto asks, oblivious, as Piotr... um... straightens up, I guess. Another effect of the weird animation. "Um, um, yes, of course. Eh, what? Hmm?":

Kitty shakes the shoe, Pietro's eyes following it. Piotr steps forward and grabs it, looking down. Pietro catches on, looking all infatuated and crap."Yes, oh rose of the land. Your slightest whim is my command." Kitty steps back, looking all prettty for a minute.

"Go... with Princess Kitty," Magneto murmurs, falling asleep again. Piotr blinks, and Pietro glares at him.

For some really odd reason, we leave the palace and the day, and switch to a giant tower-thing shaped like a vulture. "Ok, that's weird," Piotr mutters. "That night, casting shadows over the sweet dreams of the people of Bayville, Pietro orchestrated his most sinister plan." The eyes light up as we go in, all Aladdiny and crap.

Pietro is peering out a telescope at the city. Behind him, we see a sleeping vulture. "**Why** am I a bird, yo! I thought you liked me?"

Author: Well, reading Misfits did make me more kind to you, but, well, I just like turning you into strange and random things. It's what I do. And besides! You get to wear a fez!

Storm turns away, quietly scribbling in a notebook. "Day thirty-three: the author snaps."

Todd grumbles but goes back to sleep. "Asleep! They're all asleep! But **I** am quite awake! Eh, Toddles?" Pietro goes over to him and Todd goes on snoring. "I rise above the human heap! The world is mine to take!" He spins the globe Todd's perching on, slamming poor Toddy against the wall.

Author: Besides, you get your own back against Pie at the end of this movie. Just wait.

"Hey, Pie..." Todd mumbles.

"Eh, Toddles? Is this guy Canadian or something!"

"I need my beauty rest!"

Author: Yes, quite honestly, you do.

"SHUT UP, YO!"

"Men are fools, who walk in dreams. They sleep their lives away!" Pietro goes on ranting as Todd sticks his tongue out at him. "But I, Pietro, will reign supreme, for they are easy prey. Eh, Toddles?" He tickles Todd and he snaps awake.

"Brawk! You're givin' me heart attacks here! Did I... did I just squawk? Dude, this is messin' me up, yo."

"For I intend to take as wife," Pie continues, tickling him again, "the daughter of the king!"

Todd doesn't seem impressed, and Pietro stabs his cane at him. "What- what? Not the stick, now. Oh..." Todd rolls his eyes and gets on.

"And with her, as my royal bride, I'll rule in public sight! With Princess Kitty at my side, the crown is mine by right. Eh, Toddles?" Noting that Todd is paying no attention to him, Pietro holds him over the fire.

"What? Is it very hot in here?" Todd screeches in pain as he notices his tail is alight.

Back to Evan and the Impressionistic hills. "Must.. warn... the king! Is that like the only line I get?"

"Actually," Storm comments, flipping through her script, "you get a pretty cool line about the Avalanches later on..."

Author: Oh, crap. Now I'm gonna have to think to make that work.

We go back to the Princess's room, where Piotr is using bright yellow string to mend her shoe and the Princess herself is arranging some flowers. "The princess was so beautiful. And I was just an ordinary cobbler. I tried to impress her with some cobbling tricks because I was just too shy to speak," Piotr narrates.

Mystique wanders over, and can't quite see, because her glasses won't stay on. "Hmm... Ah! Doing a good job, is he?"

"Of course he is, nanny. Do cobblers have names?" Kitty asks Piotr, who nods.

Piotr reaches over and fixes Mystique's glasses on.

"What is your name?"

"Piotr," he replies, holding out a tack.

"Piotr? Is that your name?" Kitty asks. "Okay... that really doesn't make sense."

Author: In the movie, the cobbler's name is Tack. Weird, no?

Everyone Else-gets it- "**Ooooohhh**..."

"He doesn't have a lot to say for himself..." Mystique mutters.

"Piotr," Kitty repeats.

"At your... service," Piotr mumbles.

We switch to outside the palace, where horses, black and white, are walking by. Remy is in a garbage can with wheels. "And here I thought dis role couldn't get any **more** disgusting."

Author: Just you wait for the random pipe cameo.

"Do I really want t' know?... Don't answer dat." He shudders, then switches into IM mode. _"Ooh, dese horses. Does it ever end? Ooh, dat's a pretty one."_

"Meanwhile, the theif was waiting for his opening- the opening of the palace gates, and his chance to steal the three golden balls."

_"And dese flies, when will dey go away?"_ He ducks inside, grabs the wheels, and starts to wheel down the hill, with increasing ease as the slope increases._ "Time t' move 'em out. Gravity is our friend. Heh, more than a friend!"_ He loses control for a second, mumbling happily to himself. He heads up the bridge just as the last of the ponies go in._ "Goin' up!"_ He actually makes it up a few feet into the palace, before turning around by accident._ "Made it! Whoah... okay, now, y' see, dis is a problem." _He wheels down to the edge of the bridge, teetering over the moat.

Author: Now, then, who remembers what people dumped in palace moats?

"Dammit, I was hopin' de water was just another weird animation t'ing," Remy moans._ "Eh, well, coulda been worse." _He grabs the wheels again, but this time manages only to tip himself into the moat. He sinks under, then pops back up, spitting some out. "Please, mouthwash, I beg of you, in de name of all t'ings sacred, mouthwash!"

"Quit yer complainin'," Storm snaps.

"I hate you..."

Author: You're going to have to be more specific.

"All right, den I hate y' all."

Author: Bad Remy! No Rogue!

"Wasn't she not going to be in this anyway?" Storm whispers.

Author-evil smirk- Remy doesn't know that.

"Whoa! Uh!" _"I can't help but question the color of this water. I'm gonna stink for days._ Is dat really somethin' he needs t' say?"

Author: It's another gag; ignore it.

He finds a pipe and manages to climb into it._"I just had this robe dry-cleaned! Oh, boy- if I could just get- oh, I- 'Scuse me, pardon me, pardon me."_ After a moment's climbing, "Oh! Dad! What're y' doin' here! Seriously, why did y' have t' drag Jean-Luc into dis, **again**?"

Author: It's fun to torture you.

"What am I doing here- y' know, dat's a very good question, what **am** I doin' here? As if bein' a pea weren't bad enough!"

Author: Be quiet, or I'll have Storm smite you.

In the background, Storm cackles.

"What're you doin' here! You never visit, you never call, have you got a girl yet? Come on, push! You look skinny." The pipes show his progress, and apparently Jean-Luc just kind of disappears.

"I wish," Remy mutters, then shuts up as he comes to an hourglass shaped bit of pipe. "Whoever thought this up deserves death... lots of it... slowly._That's what I get for having a beer belly."_ He finally makes it out of the pipes. He pokes his head out of a hole. Beside him is a jeweled rope hanging down and a roll of toilet paper, which he conviently doesn't notice._ "Ah, made it. Hey, where am I?"_ He spots the random pavilion from before, as an anonymous arm sticks out and grabs some grapes._ "Hey, a Turkish resteraunt!" _He grabs for the rope._ "Dis must call the waiter! Oh, garcon..._You know, you spelled dat wrong."

Author: So I don't have the nice curly French c. So sue me.

Of course, it doesn't call the waiter. Rather, it flushes poor Remy down the pipes again. _"Oh, no, not again... OW!"_ He lands with a terrific splash in the moat as we cut to the princess's room.

"Your bath's ready..."Mystique says, leaning out of what seems to be the bathroom.

Kitty and Piotr are obviously paying her no attention.

"Hmm..."

Still no mind, as Piotr takes the string and makes it into a heart shape, repairing the shoe. Both blush.

Mystique taps her foot. "The water's getting cold! Princess, he's a cobbler! Keep your eyes on your work, cobbler."

She leads her away as Piotr stammers,"Y-yes ma'am..." As soon as they're gone, Piotr sighs. "Nothing wrong with being a cobbler. Hmmph. Why can't I ever talk when it matters?"

Back to Remy, who's made quite a bit of headway in our absence. He's now at a place where the pipes split, and heads in the opposite direction. _"As Churchill said, if at first you don't succeed, try another sewer,"_ Remy says- thinks in a very bad British accent. "I'm Cajun! So sue me! We aren't made t' do accents!" He mutters to himself for a second._ "Hmm..."_ Then part of the piping falls out beneat him, and we see only his feet.

Author: Somehow, that's very creepy.

"_Uh-oh! Hey! Uh-oh! Look out! Come on soldier, hut two three four, hut two three four! Hmm, don't make castle gutters like they used to!"_

He makes his way up to Kitty's bathroom. Soap bubbles are floating everywhere and in the background we can hear Kitty humming.

Author: She is, of course, humming the Obligatory Cheesy Love Theme, which they have snuck into every moment involving our main characters and now have her humming. I can't believe I'm going to have to type that out. Someone shoot me.

Everyone Else: I'll-

Author: It's a bloody **FIGURE OF SPEECH**!

His fingers slip through the holes of the drain, lifting it up. _"Ok, let's see, righty tighty, lefty loosey... that should do it... hmm... oh... well."_ He looks up and spots the soap bubbles, delighted._ "Hey, look, ha ha! Soap!"_ A bubble bumps his nose and pops._ "Oh, so that's what it looks like! I've heard of it in storybooks and songs!"_ He pops back up, looking for who's humming, and we see Kitty... um... yeah.

"Do I even get a towel?" Kitty whimpers from within the bath.

"Dis is like seein' your sister naked," Remy mutters._ What's that? Oh, naked Kitty- _sorry_- But wait! A golden backscratcher!"_ Amazed by the jeweled backscratcher, he pulls himself out of the hole, which judging by its size should be impossible, but somehow he manages.

"That cobbler. There's something about him," Kitty murmurs, oblivious to Remy creeping up behind her.

"Rogue's gonna kill me for dis," Remy mumbles.

"So shy and unassuming. I know he's just a pauper, but I- I really- really like him..." Then Remy grabs her backscratcher and edges out of the room. "Hey- what- I!"

Author: Once again, that's a wrap, folks!

Remy stumbles out of the bathroom set, twitching. "I feel dirty. Don't go in dere," he advises Pete.

"Seriously, I need a towel here!" Kitty yells.

"Must... not... look..." Piotr mumbles.

"Can I get some mouthwash now?"

"Am I going to be stuck like this all week?" Todd asks, inspecting his vulture-y self.

Author: Yep, maybe even longer if I'm slow again next weekend. Poor git.

"Mouthwash, woman!"

KAZAP-

"...Medic..."

"That was **so** satisfying," Storm says, grinning.

(And that's that. Do review.)


	3. The Obligatory Cheesy Love Ballad, ugh

Disclaimer: "People could learn a lot from llamas."

(An: The starting of a new chapter. Eee. I know I said I was going to only work on weekends, but to me, this still is the weekend. No school. Squee. And whenever I think of pain, I think of that scene from El Dorado, with the "Kkk-kk!" finger thing bit.

Author: Ok, now, a note for this chapter: the animation is **really** weird during the theif chase scene. Lots of deceptive tilework and playing with dimensions and such. So if it's confusing, don't blame me. Also, the Obligatory Cheesy Love Ballad appears in this chapter. Be afraid, be very afraid.

"I foresee pain," Remy mumbles, flipping through his script. "Lots of it."

"Yep," Storm cackles.

Author: Come on, the sooner we do this, the less we have to think about the Cheesy Love Ballad.

Remy creeps, backwards, no less, out of the bathroom. Piotr is still sitting on the floor working on Kitty's shoe. Remy tucks the backscratcher into his trench coat. "Hey, can I keep dis?"

Author: Sure, knock yerself out.

"Cool!"

He runs into Piotr, who is alerted only by his smell. _"Problem. Big problem. Reeeally big problem."_ They end up grabbing each other, back to back, and Piotr flips him over in front of him. Remy grabs Kitty's shoe. Why? I don't know. I still think he's a klepto.

"The princess's shoe!" Piotr cries, outraged. "Well, _da_, I worked for what, two scenes on that?"

Author: Piotr, I thought you were a good character. -shakes head sadly- What is this world coming to?

"Halt in the name of King Mags!" Piotr yells as Remy runs down a black-and-white tiled halllway. "Who are you?"

Author: Factoid: In the movie, the theif doesn't have a name. The whole time he's just "The Thief." Weird, no?

"Heh heh... Pysched!" Remy says as he hides behind a black stripe that only **looks** like part of the wall.

Author: I'm getting a headache here...

"How do you think **we** feel?" Remy and Piotr yell.

"I couldn't believe what I was saying. Suddenly** I** was defending the crown!" Piotr narrates as his screen counterpart backpedals to catch up. "Stop theif!"

_"Man, who decorated dis place?"_ Remy mutter-thinks as he nearly falls off the edge of a staircase that appears to continue but really doesn't.

They run along a hallway that looks flat, but as it continues into color it turns out that Piotr is in a lower section while Remy can just run right on by.

"_Ooh, clever tilework, is this not somethin' else?"_ Remy thinks as he goes over a patch of blue-and-white that looks like a hole. Then, moving on a bit to an identical section, it turns out that this bit really is a hole..._ "Ooh, not agaaaain..."_

Piotr runs right out onto it and falls with his- as mentioned- abnormally long legs outstretched. "Whoa!"

Now they slide down the banister of another black-and-white-stair case, this one all spiraly and bumpy.

Author: Ok, I suck at description. So sue me!

"One of these days, somebody's gonna take you up on that," Storm mutters.

Now the stairs are going straight, but the banister curves, giving the effect of riding a roller coaster. "I'm gonna puke!" Remy yells.

Author: Can't tell; your theif makeup's green.

"Give it back!" Piotr says, having caught up to Remy and grabbing at the shoe.

They are actually on seperate banisters, so Piotr keeps going while Remy goes flying. Somehow, he's above a busy courtyard and smashes through some stained glass windows. "Oh, de pain, de pain!"

"Good thing we got him to sign that waiver," Storm comments.

Author: I hope you're all thouroughly confused by now?

"_Don't mind me!"_

Piotr finally slides off the banister and onto the floor. However, his momentum is enough to keep him going and he slides through and under a number of doorways and Random Black Guard Dudes to crash into a room where Pietro and the Courtiers are apparently having a meeting. In his usual klutzy way, he slams right into Pietro and ends up sitting on top of him. "Aha! You've finished Kitty's shoe, you've done it very well!" Pietro observes, pulling it from Piotr's hands. "And now she has no need of you," he continues, backing Piotr against a wall and taking out that all-uses-stick into a pitchfork-type-dealy that just misses impaling him, "I'll put you in a cell!"

The Courtiers cackle.

A lock clicks and Piotr is apparently now in a jail cell, using his pretty yarn to make a picture of Kitty's face.

Author: Warning! There's enough sap in this next bit to make syrup! And I would know!

"I was sure I would never see the princess again. But I couldn't stop thinking about her." His yarn looks like it's crying before he drops it... or at least the picture of Kitty does. "Little did I know she was thinking about me too."

"Boy, I do a lot of singing in this, don't I?" Kitty asks, as we switch to another section of the palace with her in it.

"Yep, that too was in the contract," Storm explains.

"**I close my eyes and see his eyes**," Kitty sings, pacing back and forth in front of a window.

**So soft and warm and clear**!"

Back to Piotr, who's now lying stretched out on his cot, focusing on his eyes... damn, that's cheesy. "Do I really have to sing this? It would make me uncomfortable."

"Hey, if I have to sing it, you have to sing it!" Kitty yells, from off-stage.

"To be honest, sometimes she scares me," Piotr murmurs.

"She scares us all," Storm agrees.

"I HEARD THAT!"

Piotr eeps and decides it's better to sing than to get on the bad side of Kitty. **"I dream awake of holding her**

**I dream that she's right here**."

Back to Kitty, who's now by a veil... and a candle... and a jewelry box, and apparently clutching the shoe Piot repaired.

Author: That's Plot Irregularity- damn, I've lost count!

"**I sense in all his silences**

**More than his words could say**..."

Back to Piotr. "This is very unreasonable."

Author: Sing or I'll have Storm smite you. Don't forget, metal conducts electricity.

Piotr eeps again. "I have never been so scared."

"Hey, if you can't make 'em like you, make 'em fear you, right?" Logan yells from that little patch of non-existance he's on.

Author and Storm: Damn straight!

Piotr shudders again and sings. "**Don't fight your feelings, says my heart**

**A heart I will obey!"**

Now they go into the worst bit for the theme, the Unconcious Duet.

**"Am I feeling love?**

**Am I feeling love?**

**Can it really be happening to me**

**Am I feeling love?"**

Piotr leans out his little barred window while Kitty hums accompaniment. "**For sure a most unlikely match,**" he sings, bending a daisy down towards one of his omnipresent tacks,

**"Improbable and strange..."**

Back to Kitty, who tenderly puts the shoe in her jewelry box. "Yeesh, this is cheesy."

Author: It's cheese with another abberation. During the whole thing, her shoe was pink. Now it's purple with little pearly things on it... I notice these things, ok!

"**But one it seems my heart and I**

**Refuse to rearrange**!"

**"Am I feeling love?**

**Am I feeling love?**

**Can it really be happening to me?**

**Am I feeling love?**"

Author: The good thing is, this song is short.

Piotr sighs and curls up on his bench, all melancholy and crap.

"The next morning, as I shared breakfast with my new-found friends," his friends are the mice, "I could almost feel the trouble brewing. Pietro was up to something. I had to escape and warn the princess." Piotr climbs up on top of the ball that's tied to his leg- that sounds wrong, somehow- and gets up to that window again. Funny, he didn't have to do that during the ballad... A bunch of people are passing by.

We switch to Kitty, who apparently is now in Piotr's line of sight, sitting beneath a yellow-and-white pavilion, eating a pear. "This is actually pretty good."

"Pietro had ordered a polo match in Kitty's honor." Note that the pink pavilion is beneath it. Weird. "Of course, she was far from impressed."

"Oh imperial majesty!" Pietro cries, trying to wake up Magneto.

"Yes, yes, Pietro..."

"From farthest Cathay, at my bidding were sent, the best polo ponies of the Orient!"

We see said ponies, the same ones Remy saw.

"Very nice.."

"To please King Mags, beloved by all, commence the game, in short, **play ball!"**

Remy comes along, looking fatigued. _"What an idiot I am! All that trouble for a stupid backscratcher!"_ The polo ball rolls along next to him and Remy, fascinated, seems not to notice the shaking ground or the thundering of hooves. "I'm going to be hurt now, right?"

Author: Hopefully your will is in order.

"And remember, you signed a waiver; thus none of this is our fault!" Storm adds.

"_What's this? A small white ball? Now that's somethin'!"_ Then, of course, he gets smacked with a polo mallet._ "Maybe I should jus' leave dis ball alone!"_ Remy mumbles, edging away from it. But the ball will not be swayed._ "Shoo! Leave me alone! It's a devil ball!"_ Once again, he gets smacked and is left on the ground._ "Mommy..."_

Back to Kitty and Magneto, and that weird pink pavilion.

Author: I hate to make so much note of it, but it's really starting to bug me. What is its purpouse? Its function-mutters thusly to self-

"Is it really that important?" Kitty asks.

Author: You should've heard me when I went to see the third HP movie. -shudders-

Kitty shrugs and taps Magneto, who is asleep again-

"Boy, that stuff's powerful," Storm comment, eyeing her hand grenades full of sleepy gas.

"Father? Father?"

"Hmm, what what?"

"Do you know where the cobbler has gone to?"

"Eh, what? Eh, no. Isn't he with you, fixing your shoe?" Pietro snickers while they talk.

"No, he seems to have vanished."

_"Oh, no... Duck and cover, duck and cover."_ Remy attempts to take refuge in a rabbit hole._ "Outta the way bunny. Get in! Ah. Whew. Boy. Ah. Hmm. Hello ball... Ball!"_ Remy gets swept out of his hole and into a completely random tree, that apparently shows it's the middle of fall by its leaves._ "Polo ponies!"_

Back to Kitty and Pietro for a second. Kitty's still eating her pear, and Pietro's now making eyes at her. Kitty, naturally, is disgusted, and pitches her pear at him. She misses, and Pietro cackles again.

Author: Well, that was sufficiently pointless...

"_Whatever happened to badminton?"_ Remy stammers as he is once again pursued by the ball and the polo players.

Back to Pietro and Crew...

"Happy is the kingdom in this milk and honeyed land!" Pietro proclaims. Happy are the subjects who live beneath your hand! We rejoice at all around us, as this beautuous evening falls, safe beneath the sure protection of the ancient golden balls!" As he says this, naturally, we switch to a shot of said balls... that sounded bad too, didn't it?

"That night, King Mag's dreams turned into nightmares, foretelling the destruction of his kingdom by a giant war machine." We, of course, see King Mag's dream, which is of the Impressionistic hills and Avalanche and his army of Clones.

Magneto awakens, all panicky."Pietro! Pietro! Get me Pietro! NOW!" As soon as he yells this, a Random Old Black Dude claps his hands, causing the Random Gong Dude from chapter one to clang his gong... again.

People in the courtyard run around calling for him as we see the thief, safe away from any polo matches or rabbits.

_"Everythin' hurts, why do I do dis?"_ Remy mutter-thinks, then spots the golden balls, once again hearing a cash register ding._ "Oh, yeah, pain's gone... feeling good, feelin' fine!"_

Author: Ok, that's that, you can go back to your lives now!

"Yo, why'd you make me stay like this if we weren't even gonna have me in it?" Toad yells, outraged. Ok, so maybe he's not a vulture... a condor, perhaps? Some big black bird with a beak and a fez, anyway.

Author: Because it's funny, of course.

"Medic," Remy implores. "I really need help here. Jus' been smited, jus' fell off a building, jus' been assaulted by a rabbit... damn, everything **does** hurt..."

"Poor baby," 'Ro soothes. "If it weren't so much fun to smite you I'd help."

(And that's that. Review!)


	4. Bad Ball Connotations Run Amuck

Disclaimer: "EAT MORE BEAVER!"

(An: Time to begin anew. Yayz.)

As our scene opens Pietro catapaults himself into the throne room using an elevator... WTF? Mags is sitting on a little cushion, moaning to himself. "Oh great King Mags, have no fear. Pietro, your grand vizier, is here!"

"Death and destruction, Pietro! My kingdom will come to destruction and death!" Mags clutches his beard and moans some more.

"Be calm, serene highness. You must catch your breath! What dawn of disaster? Why speak you of death?" Pietro looks oddly cheerful for a matter so grave... but then again he is a sick little bastard. "HEY!"

"I've had a dream- a nightmare- no! A vision! A vision of invasion by a race of mulleted men!"

Author: -cough cough- Avalanches! -coughcough-

We switch to Remy, who is holding his bo staff like a pole vault... pole. He looks up apprehensively at the giant mineret that holds the golden balls. "You know, it's funny nobody ever tried dis before, if all dat stands between dem and gold is a really, really tall tower. _All right, sports fans, we switch you now to the world-champion pole-vaulting event. Marv, it's an excellent day. The field's not too wet, there's a light wind blowing from the east, and if he doesn't get his smock caught in the pole, he could really go for the gold!"_ He runs up to the wall, but misses his chance and smacks into the wall, the pole jabbing into a very sensitive place."OWW! _He blew it!"_

Author: Wonder if that'll give him brain damage... Honestly, there're so many rude jokes I could make involving the golden balls...

Back to Pietro and Mags, where poor Pie is trying to soothe Magneto.

"Now, excellent majesty, ruler supreme, I can safely assure you, a dream's just a dream!"

And back to Remy again, who's trying to pole vault again. "All I can say is dat better not happen again."

Author: At least there aren't any bones -cough- down there...

"You have a sick mind, do you know that?" Storm asks, looking disgusted.

Author: -smirks-

_"Oh, I tell you, he's something else. The fact that he's hurting- every bone in his body broken- look at him move, look at him move, oh, oh, yeah, there he goes, he's up, there he is, there he goes, he's up, he's up, oh, oh, look at that form, Marv,_" this time he actually makes it up on the pole, but only halfway on the tower, _"he's reaching, he's reaching, he's stretching, his long, bony but beautiful toes are grasping for the brick, aaah..."_ And then he starts to fall back down again. We see Piotr filing away at his bars... where'd he get the file? Anyway, he sees Remy and is naturally quite confused. "Huh?"

_"Oh, rats..."_ And Remy falls back down again.

Magneto is still ranting and raving from his cushion, and Pietro is still trying to calm him.

"I saw it, I tell you!"

"Calm down, your highness. Invanders? Mulleted? But this is against what has been prophesied! Hey, that didn't rhyme!"

Author: It did, but Lance has two eyes, as opposed to King One Eye. His distinguishing feature is his mullet... or that fruit bowl he wears.

Lance: -offstage- IT'S A HELMET, DAMMIT!

Pietro shrugs and goes on. "For has it not been written that we are safe from any threat, as long as those three golden balls are on the mineret?" He gestures out the window at the mineret, which they can just see. Of course, they don't see Remy, who is back on the ground.

Speaking of Remy...

Remy is giving it another shot. _"Well, Marv, his father, twenty years on the force, instilled in him the attitude of 'Never say die'..."_ He almost makes it, but then his pole bends and he starts sliding down._ "But frequently say 'help!'"_

From Kitty's window, you can apparently see the mineret as well, since we view Remy falling off through it. "Where could Tack be, nanny?" Kitty asks, paying the poor theif no mind. "Well, he **did**, like, spy on me naked!"

"AND IT WAS MIND-SCARRING!" Remy yells from the courtyard.

"He left without a word! And he stole your shoe!" Mystique replies, angrily gesticulating with her flimsy glasses.

"Well, something's happened to him, I just know it!"

"What's so special about this cobbler anyway? I just don't see it."

"Well, you need new glasses."

Back to Mags and Pietro...

"AAAH! What if the balls are taken awaaaay!" Magneto gets really agitated now, and rises up off his cushion.

Pietro tries to get him to sit back down."A way has never been found to take them away! What freak of nature could ever get up to the top of that mineret?"

Back to Remy, who is giving it yet another try.

Author: Apparently, that freak of nature.

"HEY!"

Storm snickers. "You set yourself up for that."

He gets up high enough this time... maybe a little too high, because he just misses the balls.

Author: That sounds wrong, ok? Actually, a good bit of this chapter referring to the balls sounds wrong... ick.

_"Yes, yes, yes, yes, no!"_ Piotr, halfway done, sees him fall, and then slide down a tower with a corkscrew-like ramp. He goes flying, yelling incoherently, and bounces off about ten awnings before flying into an open window. _"So many awnings!"_ He ends up with several potted plants, and then loses them all as he goes through the last. A women screams as he peers back over his shoulder, a rose in his mouth. "Was dat... Rogue?"

Author: Yep.

Remy moans and says something that's undoubtedly quite rude in French.

"I thought you said he couldn't have Rogue," Storm says, cocking her head.

Author: Yes, well, I recanted because I decided to make The Last Unicorn Kurtty.

_"Oooh, naughty!"_ He hits another awning, still over the moon, and then lands hard on the ground. Dazedly, he walks around a second before collapsing. _"Well, Marv, this concludes our pole-vaulting event, now let's move on to the floor exercises..."_

Back again, back again, to Pie-pie and Mags.

Magneto is apparently almost all the way soothed now, because he's sitting down again and looking a tad sleepy. "I just... have this... funny feeling..."

Somehow, Remy has gotten to the wires that connect The Tower to another tower.

Author: Is it the Dark Tower!

_"Hmmm... finally, I benefit from my parents being circus people..._ WHAT!"

Author: It makes no sense. Better not to ask. Remy shakes his head and uses his bo staff to balance. "I hate heights..." He makes a lot of incoherent mumbling and rambles to himself in his Inner Monologue while trying to cross. "_Rule number one: keep your eye on the wire and have feet like a monkey. Rule number two: It's always good to wear underwear when you're up this eye. Otherwise you attract a sizeable crowd. That brings us to rule number three. Rule number three- oh, what's rule number three? I always forget rule number three. Rule number one: eyes and feet, rule number two: underwear. I think rule number three has something to do with not doing this!"_ The wire begins to rock dangerously back and forth._ "Or this! Or-or probably this! Oh yeah, rule number three! Throw down the stick and run like hell!_ Cool! I'm de first one who gets t' swear!" There's more incoherent mumbling as he drops his staff, and makes a kamikaze run all the way to the tower.

And we're with Piotr again, who has filed his way to freedom. "Finally I was free. But freedom wasn't enough. I had to get to the princess!" He pulls himself out.

There's still more incoherent mumbling back with Remy as he climbs the top of the tower. There's quite a bit of butt-wiggling and scrabbling involved. "Hmm, oh, wow! Phew." He grabs the pole supporting the balls and stands up, managing not to slip on the slick surface. He strikes a pose, grinning. _"Ok, ok, who's got the camera?"_

Piotr (and his albino mouse pal) are now out of the thing, but there's still that ball-and-chain to deal with.

Author: Honestly. For a G rated movie there's enough sexual imagery to gag a horse. A big one. Imagine what Freud would do to it!

The ball (gah) sticks. "Hmm?"

Remy works the first and smallest ball free. _"You're gonna buy me a castle by the sea!"_ He sticks it between his legs... oh man that's a bad image. He does the same with the second_. "And you're gonna buy me everything I need to turn the basement into a rec room!"_ He pulls the last, and biggest, ball free and almost drops it. _"And with you, oh, I tell ya, sweetheart, I'm going to Disneyland!"_

Piotr and his friend (what say we call her Matilda?) are now working on the ball-and-chain problem. He pulls out one of his Everpresent Tacks (that make useful _dues ex machina_) and pick the lock with it. "Who needs a genie, when a tack will do the trick?"

And another thing with Pietro and Mags. Now Pie's trying to get Magsy to sleep, completely oblivious to Remy, who is trying to make off with the balls. Easier said than done. "DAMN STRAIGHT!"

"These people are quite unobservant, aren't they?" Storm asks.

Author: Yep.

"It's not time to get up, too early to rise. Too early to open the king's sleepy eyes." Magsy begins to drowse.

_"Gotcha!"_ Remy think-murmurs as he grabs the last golden ball before it slides off the tower. He begins to make his precarious way across the wire. "I'm gonna die!"

Author: Actually, you don't. Evan does!

Evan rides in on his poor, completely exhausted horse. "Hey, I'm bleeding to death here, and you care about my horse!"

Author: Well... yeah!

"Determined to warn King Mags. the fearless scout finally made it to the golden city."

"Home again, home again, jiggety jiiiiig!" Remy just about makes it into the adjacent tower, and then drops his balls... oh, man, that sounded wrong. They clang down the tower, smashing out of the stained glass windows. Remy rolls out of the doorway, looking pained. "Y' damn right I'm pained!"

Meanwhile, the balls clang around like gigantic metal superballs, scattering people everywhere in the courtyard.

_"What's all the commotion about?"_ Then of course a ball bounces in front of Remy. _"I didn't do it! I'll be goin' now..."_

"Wake up, wake up father! Something's happening!" Kitty cries, running into Magneto's room. Apparently he's now acquired star patterened curtains, because she has to run through them to get to him. She shakes him awake.

"Is this opportunity ringing?" Pietro murmurs.

"Hurry!" Kitty cries, leading her father down the stairs.

"I think there are some balls you should be bringing," Pie whispers to the Courtiers, who nod eagerly. He grins angelically at King Mags, then continues. "Get those balls, keep out of sight! Bring them to me, late tonight!"

Spyke rides in, gasping for breath. His horse gives up and collapses, and he strides over it, seeming not to notice.

The Courtiers slide into the courtyard by way of a revolving wall.

"If they had this kind of technology, why couldn't they just get bazookas and blast the Lance Clones?" Jason asks.

Author: Good question.

"The balls!" one of the Courtiers cry.

"Ava..." Spyke stammers, unable to prounounce the rest of the word.

At the courtyard, Piotr and Matilda peer around the tower, seeing the Courtiers collect the bouncing balls... ugh.

"Ava... Avalanche!" Spyke cries, back in the throne room.

"Avalanche?" Pietro asks, cocking his head.

"Is coming!" Spyke adds, bobbing his head.

"Avalanche?" Kitty asks, looking equally confused.

"Avalanche!" Magneto cries, and runs over to the window that shows the mineret, seeming not to notice Spyke collapsing on the floor. "Well, yeah, he's an idiot!"

Author: For once, I agree with you.

"The dream- the nightmare!" He screams. "The balls! The balls are gone!" Pale as a ghost, he starts running around in all-out panic mode. "My kingdom will come to destruction and death!" Completely random thunder and lightning start as the storm that's been over the Impressionistic Hills moves in.

Piotr edges along a wall, tucking Matilda into his pocket, as some soldiers walk by, clad in shiny white uniforms. King Mags is apparently having a meeting, as he's leaning out of his balcony and talking to his armies and people. "My loyal generals! My brave soldiers! The three golden balls have gone!" Of course, the Courtiers are making their way along at just that second, the balls badly concealed beneath their robes.

Author: They win no prizes for ingenuity.

The people gasp and scream and what-not. "Our city faces invasion! The mighty Avalanche is coming!"

Remy pokes his head between the Random Card-Like Soldiers and grabs the uniform of one of them. _"And I'll be going!"_

"Take up your positions with my b-blessing!" King Mags coughs.

"Long live King Mags! Long live King Mags!" The people cheer and chant, even though he hasn't really done anything.

Remy grabs some green Mardi Gras beads from his own pocket. "Ooh..." he says, tucking them into a pocket. "Can I keep dese?"

Author: Once again, knock yerself out.

Cue the Three Courtiers, who come along. They keep dropping the balls and making loud, anything-but-inconspicuous clangs. "Make way!"

"Coming through!"

"Woman with a baby!"

_"Hmm, babies don't go clang..." _Remy murmurs, following.

"The princess needed my help," Piotr narrates, as his on-screen counterpart (and Matilda) finds the hidden door and heads after them. "I was the only one she could trust. From this point on there was no turning back."

"Aaah! I'm so hungry I could eat a vegetarian!" Todd squawks, flapping into Pietro's Secret Vulture Lair (tm).

Author: That was -so- not funny.

"Gentlemen, gentlemen, what a delight!" Pietro takes the balls from the Courtiers as Todd swoops in, none too gracefully.

"You miss me?" In response, Pie knocks him off the table. "I'm calling the Humane Society!" Todd grumbles, climbing atop the globe.

"We'll let this be our little secret... All right?" Pietro uses that all-powerful stick to poke all Three Courtiers simultaneously, while Todd sticks his tongue out at him.

Author: Very juvenile.

"But it's also pretty satisfying, yo!"

"Uh-oh, Pietro!" Piotr murmurs.

"I'll rule the land after one little thing! Now that I've got the balls, I will go see the king!"

Apparently, Pietro, Piotr, and Remy are all walking the same black-and-white hallway, because Remy comes along at just that moment. _"Must be hard to always talk in rhyme!"_

Pietro enters a room through a wall patterend with interlocking P's, where King Mags is sitting, scowling."Have no fear, Pietro, your grand-"

"You're here, Pietro, but where are the balls?" he inquires desperately. If you really pay attention, you see Mags smack Pietro right where it hurts with an offered hand.

Author: Can you feel your brains draining away, Pie?

"Magicked away, my lord!" Pietro pronounces gravely, recovering well from the slight brain damage. "I know what you're insinuating, and it's NOT TRUE!"

Author: Methinks the man doth protest too much.

"Magicked away? Oooh, no!"

Apparently, Remy looks a lot like a bird statue, because he hides as that while overhearing their conversation.

"You mustn't look so tragic! I am not unschooled in magic!

"You mean- you?"

"Alakazam!" There's a big flash of yellow smoke. "Observe!"

"Well, look at that... hmm!" Pietro spins the balls around in the cover of the smoke, letting Magneto glimpse them before poofing them away with a flash of golden sparklies. "Well, that's something!"

"You see, I can restore you the gold balls though they be lost."

"I'll give you anything, Pietro! Just do it!"

"As my peril will be dire, you must grant my heart's desire!" Pietro continues, going very pale and then very red.

Author: It's a lot weirder considering as how his skin is blue to begin with.

"What is it?"

"I require, sire, your daughter Kitty, to wed!" He goes very red again, his eyes heart-shaped, and interlocks his fingers.

"You! Worthy of my daugther? A practicioner of the black arts?" Mags begins to laugh. "No! She can only marry a man pure of heart! You will never marry her, never! Not in a thousand years!"

Author: It's odd that he finds this so funny considering how freaked out he was a few minutes ago.

Pietro storms out, going down another random black-and-white-plays-with-perception hallway. "We'll see who wins at the end of the day! We'll see who ends up grieving! I'll go to the one eyes right away! I'm taking the balls and leaving!" Piotr is going down the same one to end up near the throne room.

"Oh, my kingdom! What's to become of it? How could I defend the city against- wait! The witch!" He snaps his fingers. Apparently Kitty's in the room now, and she's watching with rapt attention. "She will have the answer!"

"Who? What witch? Who is she?" Kitty asks.

"King Avalanche's twin sister, the bearer of his other eye!"

"Wait," Kitty says. "Lance, like, has a twin sister?"

Author: Course not, this is just an attempt to lengthen and dramatize the movie.

"Only she uses hers for the forces of good! She won't see just anyone, and I can't trust Pietro... Oh, if only I had a son!" Piotr and Remy edge along the hallways leading to the throne room... yes, in the movie it **is** this confusing.

"A son? Nonsense! Where do I find this witch?" Kitty asks.

"In the desert, at the- what? You? Never! Much too dangerous!"

"Father, I'm smarter than any man in this city!" Kitty pauses. "Damn straight!" Beside her, Mystique, who apparently is in the room as well, blinks placidly up at everyone else.

"Old and short. This sucks."

"And faster than your clumsy henchmen!" Kitty asks.

"I have henchmen in this?" Magneto asks, getting a diabolical glint in his eye.

Author: No! Bad car part! Down!

Remy peeks out from behind a potted plant as Mags continues. "But you're so young! So- so-"

"So anxious! So excited! So ready to make you proud! You must trust me! There is no one else!"

Magneto rambles on in the background as Remy tries to pry himself from the plant.

Author: Funny, you'd think someone would notice...

"My little princess. I hardly know you. So brave. Just like your dear mother was. Very well. You will go. Look here." He pulls out a Random Pointer Stick and points to a Random Wall Map or the Desert. "Seven leagues out into the desert you will find the fabled Hands of Glory. At the very top dwells the witch! Below the mountain sits a golden idol-"

"Gold?" Remy asks, with a cha-ching sound.

"With a gigantic ruby-"

"Ruby?" Ditto.

"In the middle of its forehead. When the sun is directly overhead, the reflection from the ruby points to a hidden door. Only at that time will the mountain reveal the secret of the hidden door." Remy dashes along the hallway, cackling cheerfully to himself. "But oh, Kitty, the desert is rife with robbers, crawling with cutthroats, and at worst, broiling with brigands! And you could get lost!" Piotr walks in.

"Then I'll take a guide."

"You may have any man in the kingdom."

"Him, father." Kitty points at Piotr.

"Him? The cobbler?"

"Yes. I need someone I can trust."

Remy, muttering to himself, edges along the hallway, then catches sight of himself in the glossy walls."AAAH!" He runs off. "Dat's not funny!"

"So be it. The cobbler shall help you."

Author: And that's a rap. Quite a bit of back and forth dialogue in that chapter. Hopefully noone's confused...

"I'm confused!" Remy yells. "How is it dat me, Pietro, and Piotr were always in the same part o' de castle? And why would I run off at m' reflection!"

Author: All very good questions. Alas, we're done for the day.

"But-"

(And that's that, people. Review!)


	5. Lots of POV Hopping For Once it's Not My...

Disclaimer: "And I am SO not a tree."

(An: And now, for fun... -giggles- Well, I got carried away and decided to just go ahead and finish the whole thing.)

We see Piotr come out of a tunnel/staircase thingy, leading a camel, followed by a Random Purple Guy carrying a pavilion- not the pink one, mind you- that the Princess and Mystique are sitting in. "So the princess and I set out to find the good witch. Pietro rode off to find the evil Avalanches." We see Pietro ride away on a neat black horsy in the opposite direction... towards the big black creepy clouds. That's probably not the greatest travel destination, but, anyway, Remy comes out of the tunnel and follows after Kitty's little entourage. "With the thief close behind, I knew our journey across the desert would be an adventure." There is a whip-pan to Piotr, again leading that camel- remember him- which doesn't really seem fair, since he's all hot and sweaty and Kitty and Mystique are chilling in the Purple Guy pavilion.

"Well, I am, like, a princess," Kitty comments smugly.

"You don't have to rub it in," Piotr mutters.

Author: Just go on with your neat little voiceover, k? I'm in the mood for smiting.

Piotr- the voiceover one, squeaks. Kitty peeks out of her pavilion and gasps, while Remy collapses in the background... that can't be good.

Author: Or can it!

"You've decided to say that after everything, haven't you?" Storm asks, tapping her foot.

Author: How'd you guess? ...Or did you?

KRACKABOOM!

Author: Ah ah ah, can't smite me! I'm the author!

"Who says?"

Author: Hey, I'm sittin' here in my neat little titanium box. Want to argue with me?

"Metal conducts electricity."

Author: I'm also sitting on a rubber chair, so ner.

"Damn."

Piotr clears his throat.

"Right, right, go on."

"After three blistering days we encountered the king's worst fear: those desert outlaws, the brigands."

We switch to a gang of creepy, dirty guys. Logan is sitting in the middle, and is quite obviously the leader, 'cause he's cool like that.

"Things is not what they used to be, you know. No," he says.

The other brigands agree with him. We see Brigand #1 building a little pyramid-type-thing out of bones, and in the background, an over-eager Jamie is running up, yelling about a caravan.

"A caravan is coming! HERE COMES A CARAVAAAAN!" He knocks over #1's pyramid-type-thing, and he tries to skid to a stop. It doesn't really work though, and to keep from slamming into Logan (who would seriously not like that) he grabs onto a palm tree made out of bones and skulls... this really isn't G imagery.

Author: To whoever asked- I think it was Silent Doom- yes, this is a G rated thing. I looked on the tape. Weird, no? Maybe I just have a sick mind... Nah!

The other brigands yell at him- probably for destroying their neat tree- and a skull lands on Jamie's head. "COOL!"

"Cheiftan! Chieftan, it 'tis a caravan!" He runs over to Logan and screams that last bit in his ear, pulling up the skull.

"Hello, Squirt! ENHANCED SENSES, here!" Logan rubs his head. Then, just as loudly, he yells, "A CARAVAN!"

All of the creepy brigands laugh excitedly... which is, to be frank, a little disturbing.

"What 'tis it that we do now?" Jamie inquires of Logan, tugging on his stubble. "In some sick, disturbing way, this is really satisfying."

"He's right, what do we do?" inquires Random Brigand #2.

"May I remind you gentleman, that when in doubt, consult the brigands' handbook," Logan says, all sagely and crap. He leans forward and puts his hands in the sand and all of the Brigands look real impressed.

"The book!"

Logan pulls a really big red book with the title _Handbook_ out of the sand... that's really not a good way to treat your books, by the way.

"What's it say?"

"Words..."

"What does the book say?"

Logan creaks open the book and a bunch of sandmites scrabble off the pages... really not a good way to treat your books, I repeat. He runs his finger along the page, coming to a stop at the word caravan, where CHARGE is said right next to it in big letters. Did I mention a cute little sand worm is watching him? "Caraaavan, caravan: CHARGE!" he screams at the top of his lungs.

Author: -rubs ears- Ow...

All of the brigands stand up and start running really fast the way Jamie came. A midgety Jamie clone follows, a bit behind, yelling "Charge!" along with that cute little sand worm.

They all try to hide behind the same, rainbow colored rock... obviously, our dear brigands aren't the brightest crayons in the box.

Piotr hushes the caravan, looking nervous. "Well, _da_... has Logan always had that much nose hair?"

Author: If you watch carefully, you'll see that what seems to be the head brigand's mustache is really his nose hair... EW.

"HAAAAALLLLT!" Logan yells, again, unnecessarily loud. "Well, I'm half deaf from Jamie screamin' in my ear!"

The brigands come running up, and a really rude one in the front picks up Piotr and holds him upside down. Pete's solution? He ties the guy's sandal laces together. Smart. So the brigand guy falls over, and Logan steps up in front of him.

Then Mystique comes running up. She goes into this whole wicked karate skills thing and totally kicks the brigands' collective asses, that is, until Logan points at her and all the brigands jump on top of her. "...So much pain... agony... a-go-nee!" she cries, in an excellent Bugs Bunny imitation.

Then Kitty comes walking out of her pavilion- finally- with a RPG (Random Purple Guy, not a role-playing guy) following her. She looks all Gorgey-Eastern-Princessy, and naturally, the brigands are stunned, since they're all guys...

Author: -pulls a face- Once again, yuck, ew, bad image!

She puts her hands on her hips and glares at Logan. "And who are you?"

Logan looks kind of flustered, then regains his composure and smacks himself on the chest. "Well, I'm- I am Logan, the cheiftan of this, my band of brigands!" Kitty does Not Look Impressed... that is, until the brigands kick into song.

They line up and start doing a conga-line type thing. **"Bum bum bum beem bum boolee boolee bippity boo, **

**we're what happens when you don't finish school**

**Bum bum bum beem bum boole boolee bippity boo, **

**we're what happens when you don't finish school!"**

Logan sighs, and starts singing a lament of his unfinished school days.

**"Sent here twenty years ago by the king to guard his borders**

**We don't know when to return,"** here Logan holds up some instructions, with all the brigands (and that cute little sand worm, who is now wearing glasses) peering over his shoulder.

**"'Cause no one here can read his orders!"**

They start sing-ranting again, Logan tearing at his hair (the stuff on his head, not the stuff in his nose) while the others dance around the skeleton tree, which has apparently been restored. **"Bum bum bum beem bum boolee boolee bippity boo**

**We're what happens when you don't finish school!**

**Bum bum bum beem bum boolee bolee bippity boo**

**We're what happens when you don't finish school!"**

Fred pulls off his shoe and puts it in a pot, sighing at the meager fare. **"Lately things have been so bad **

**There just are no words to tell it**

**And if we should find the word**

**I'm sure none of us could spell it."**

Lucas and Caliban begin to moan now. "**We miss our mothers and our fathers," **Lucas laments. "NO I DON'T! And what in bloody hell am I doin' here!"

Author: -sighs- Idiot.

**"It's a painful, sad condition," **Caliban adds, taking him in a bear hug. He sniffles. "I never knew my daddy!" he wails.

Author: Can't claim canon accuracy; it was just funny.

Now Juggernaut hugs both of them. "**It's hard to tell ya **

**Just how much"**

Fred comes and knocks them all over. "**'Cause we never learned addition!"**

There's an instrumental break as the brigands, idiots that they are, chase a fly.

**"Bum bum bum beem bum**

**Bum bum bum beem bum**

**Bum bum bum beem bum"**

Lucas sighs and goes on with his bit-part as the others nearly kill themselves after that fly, and alternately make faces at him. "**So we wait around and scare**

**Any traveler passing through here**

**Since we never learned a trade**

**It's the only thing to do here"**

They try to spell now, and make an A, then a B, then an... X? Okay... "**Bum bum bum beem bum boolee boole bippity boo," **and now they get in a circle and start doing a chorus line type thing,

**"That's what happens when you don't finish school**

**Bum bum bum beem bum boolee bolee bippity boo**

**We're what happens when you don't finish school!"**

The fly, who is now perching on Logan's shoulder, adds the last part as the others all sit down in cadence, "**Bum bum bum beem bum boolee boolee bippity boo!"**

_"Just like Le Mis_..." Remy observes, peering over the pavilion... I think.

Kitty is still Not Impressed. "Well I am Princess Kitty, daughter of your king! And hey, that's my nanny you're sitting on!" she adds, pointing at Mystique. The brigands grudgingly let her up. "Our kingdom is in grave danger. Therefore, I hereby declare you my royal guard."

"Royal guard?" Logan repeats, sounding impressed, as do the other brigands.

"You guard our caravan while we find Avalanche's sister and save our Not-So-Golden land."

There is a whip-pan that switches us to near the Avanche's camp. Pietro is walking up to a flag and Todd is moaning.

"I don't have a very big part in this, do I?"

Author: Be happy of small blessings.

Todd ruffles his feathers irritably. "Man, I can't wait until I can be normal again!" He says his line now, like a good little slave- I mean, actor. "So where's the roadkill, already? A bird's gotta eat, ya know."

Pietro ignores him and jumps off his Neat Black Horsey, inspecting the flag. "The camp of the Avalanches, how very nice. Perhaps **they'll **be willing to pay my price."

He pulls down the flag while Todd collapses, moaning, "I'm wastin' away here!"

"I'll have these barbarians kissing my feet. And maybe we'll find you something to eat, eh, Toddles?" Pietro tucks the flag into his bag while Todd gags and points into his mouth.

"I am kind of hungry, yo..."

Author: So eat the flies that're buzzin' around Remy's head.

"Where is he?"

Author: Somewhere in the next scene. -rimshot- Dammit! I promised myself no cheap jokes.

"So then where would you get all of your humor from?" Storm quips.

Author: Die.

Pietro cackles to himself for a second, then grins nervously as his neck gets rimmed in with swords. "Gentlemen, gentlemen, what a delight! To meet you all here on such a fine night!"

There is another whip-pan as we switch to Avalanche's tent, where the Random Lance Clones are dragging Pietro in. Todd is still stuck on the food thing.

"Is this when we eat? I need to eat! I don't see any food! I'm still hungry here! I think I just lost my appetite..." he adds, as they enter the tent. Lance is sitting atop a chair made of women... which is, needless to say, really disturbing.

Author: And now we add S&M imagery to the list. Damn. Who are these people? They really need a slap... actually, they might enjoy it. -shudders-

"Who dares enter the camp of the mighty Avalanche?"

Pietro bows very low in front of Avalanche. "I have a name, you know!" Lance yells.

Author: I know. I just don't care.

Pietro clears his throat. Todd gags in the background because he's dragging him along on a leash... well, that's mean! "Oh, mighty Avalanche! Iayeaye am Pietro, the great," a bunch of doves fly out of his robe, followed by a banner that proclaims "Pietro", "of the Not-So-Golden land! And I am a magician, a sorcerer too! And I'm in a position I think to serve you." He bows again, and turns upside down, peering at Lance.

"Sorcerer?" Lance asks, carefully sounding out each syllable. "It's a big word, ok!"

Pietro waves his hands and a puff of green smoke flares up. "Hahaha! I conjure demons!" He makes a dragon out of red smoke while Lance glares. The dragon bites its tail and sets itself on fire, making a hoop. Lance is still Not Impressed. Pietro holds up the ring of fire.

Author: If anyone starts singing that song, I will kill them.

"Charm beasts, and birds of prey too! Toddles!" A green spotlight comes up on Todd.

"Come on boss, I need a rehearsal here!" he cries, but jumps through the hoop anyway. He really did need rehearsal, as it turns out, because he gets his tailfeathers set on fire. "Fire! Fire!" he screams, hopping away into the crowd of Lance Clones.

Pietro blocks the view of him, grinning nervously. He pulls a scarf from his pocket. "And as you will see, that's not all I can do!" There's a puff of green smoke, and the scarf turns into the Avalanche flag. He pins it to the ground, laughing triumphantly.

"Hmm," Lance mumbles.

"I have power over people," he says, one eye jutting really far out of its socket, "although they may seem complex. For me, they fall like playing cards," he pulls a deck out of nowhere, and begins to shuffle them around all flashy and stuff, "and I control the decks!" Then of course, he drops some, and grabs them out of the air still grinning and laughing quite nervously. "Well, yeah, Lance is a raving psychopath!"

Author: Duh.

"Ha!" Pietro yells, getting the last of the deck.

"Hmm... is that my only line in this whole thing?"

Author: Let me put it this way: in the world of intelligence, I consider you- and consequently King One Eye- to be like a dead ameoba. Get it?

Lance grumbles to himself until thunder rumbles in the background. "I'll be good!" he squeaks, straightening up.

"But all this is nothing, for now, in my hands, is the very key to the Not-so-Golden land!" He holds up his bag, from which shiny golden lights are flashing. "For no man can take it, no matter how great, unless he posseses these three balls of fate!" There's more flashy green stuff and then he's holding the balls, in order of size, under that same green spotlight that had been following Todd.

Todd: -offstage- I'M STILL ON FIRE, YO!

Apparently Lance has just wrapped his oh-so-small brain around the concept of what Pietro can do. "You say you can charm beasts? Heh heh heh..." Encouraged, Pietro laughs too, until Lance continues. "Throw him to the alligators!" The flag falls down and a couple of Random Lance Clones drag him off.

"And I'll eat the leftovers!" Todd cackles from the roof. His tail is looking quite singed. "No shit, yo."

Back at the brigand camp, everyone's asleep. Except of course, for Remy, who is hiding beneath a small tent with a neato flag (STwaNF for short). He walks along under it, grabbing random things. _"Wouldn't be a vacation without getting a few gifts for the family... Let's see, that for mom, uncle Carl, yeah, sure! Let's see, maybe, uh, this would be perfect for Tante Mattie's kitchen! And I don't know what this is, but it's perfect for dad!_" Remy pauses and sticks his head out of the tent. "Is it deadly?"

Author: If you think a pot is deadly, then yes, quite.

Remy scowls and ducks back inside the STwaNF. _ "Yeah! And I'd better not forget the gang at the barber shop! It's all duty free, isn't it?"_ He walks past the camel and into a pond. "Oh. YUCK. Jus' tell me dis water ain't like the one at de castle and I'll be good."

"Don't worry," Storm assures him, "we used different water here... I think."

"I'm **so** reassured."

That camel- the one just mentioned, that I told you to remember- kneels at the edge of the pond, laughing... loudly.

"How can a camel laugh?" Storm asks, cocking her head.

Author: Not the faintest. It's just what he does.

Remy hums "Row Row Row Your Boat" while cutting his way out of the STwaNF. All of the stuff he steals settles at the bottom of the pond. The camel keeps laughing while Remy emerges, his trench coat all puffy with water. "You're killin' me!" the camel cries, rolling over, still laughing. Remy pays him no mind, gasping for breath as he pulls himself out.

Remy squeezes water from his trench coat in front of a palm tree, but since he's got his back to us and he's holding it up, it looks like he's doing, er, something else.

Author: I refuse to resort to bathroom humor for a laugh. Nyugh.

Back at the Avalanche camp, Pietro is perching on a rock in a very deep hole, looking nervous. The camera backs out and we see why: he's surrounded by alligators, who, like all animals, can talk... apparently anyway. "My friends," Pietro purrs, being very careful to keep himself out of snapping range.

"I'll be your friend!"

"It grieves me to see you fed on persons like me, with no meat!" he continues, still just out of reach. He leans over them and jerks back repeatedly, like a fanatical preacher. "Just help me a little and I won't forget to feed you each day a surprise that is plump, portly, paunchy, and fat! Fat! Fat!" The alligators chant his description along with him, looking very excited.

"They're like dogs," Pietro coos, then backs off again. "Sweet, cuddly dogs... with sharp teeth... lots of them... somebody get me out of h-"

Quite abruptly, we switch to the desert, where all of the caravan is lined up in front of a gigantic gold mountain shaped like hands stuck together. At the very top is a really big hand reaching toward the sky.

Author: -flipping through script- You know, we DID switch awfully quickly...

Kitty whistles and scuffs the sand with her foot. "Hey, don't, like, look at me... or the scene-switch button I'm so not holding..."

"You're scaring me," Piotr says, edging away.

"At last, we reached the Hands of Glory, home of the good witch. All we had to do was wait until the next day, when the sun would be directly overhead, and the magic moment would arrive." The sun changes to a moon which changes back to the sun in a dramatic time-lapse sequence. Neat.

The newly reappeared sun shines down on a gold Buddha-esque statue with a reeeeally big ruby in the midst of its forehead.

Remy: -offstage, drools-

"Don't even think about it," Storm says.

The sunbeam reflecting off said really big rock makes a light ray shine straight at the Hands of Glory, in a very particular spot.

"Look!" Kitty exclaims.

"The ruby!" Piotr adds.

The brigands all look very nervous. "Ooh!"

"Magic!"

The brigands bow down in abject terror, and Logan clears his throat. "Um, princess, p'raps me and my men ought to be stayin' here..."

Kitty looks a little annoyed, but nods. "Yes, Logan, you stay here."

"'Tis magic from another world," Lucas mumbles. "I don't believe in magic."

Author: Bully for you. I should smite you for adlibbing so much.

"Royal guard, hmph!" Mystique snorts, looking unimpressed.

"We're big, but we're delicate," Fred adds.

"Let's find that hidden door!" Kitty proclaims, as they head for the Hands.

Remy peers out from behind a rock. _"You find the door, I'll find the ruby."_ He rushes across the sand towards it, yelping all the way. _"Hothothothothothothothot!"_

"This looks like some kind of lever..." Piotr muses, inspecting the spot on the Hands that the ruby pointed to. He takes a little hammer from his pocket and taps at them, and one of them moves ever-so-slightly. Kitty gasps. She joins him, and together they pull on the lever-Hand, revealing a passageway with lots of steps.

"You've done it, Piotr!"

Remy wanders around the statue, muttering to himself. He can't get to it, since it's surrounded by Random Card-Like Guards. "While we entered the witch's lair, the theif encountered some 'new friends' of his own..."

Remy continues to circle it, that is, until he slams into a sign. _"Gotta get the ruby off the fat guy's head... gotta get the ruby off the fat guy's head... gotta- ow! No prayers, blah blah blah,"_ he turns and slams into another sign. "Hey, the mansion's phone number's here... beneath- oh, yuck, dat's not right." He shudders and goes on with his line._ "Ouch! They should have a sign 'beware of signs!' Wow... hmm... but how can I get over these guys?"_ Then he looks over at the Hands, seeing one that juts out. It (somehow) has trees growing on it._ "Hey! Two trees on the ledge of an impossible to climb cliff! Perfect!"_ We switch to Piotr, Mystique, and Kitty climbing the stairs for a second, then back to Remy, who's somehow secured a rope to the mountain and is climbing up that way._ "Boy, I'd be dead if this mountain started to applaud! Whew!"_ He pulls himself up onto the ledge._ "Well, I guess these would be palm trees..."_

Author: Somewhere, somehow, a pun alarm is going off.

"Hey, I don't make de jokes, I jus' say 'em!" Remy replies. Then he peers over the edge of the ledge. "_Hey... just how high up are we talking here? Ooh, pret-ty high... This'll work fine,_" he murmur-thinks, pulling at the leaves of the trees.

(Click onward for the ending!)


	6. One Tack Can Cause a Lot of Damage!

Disclaimer: "God protects two types of people: the mentally ill, and the amusingly stupid."

(An: And it's the last chapter. -does a dance-)

"We're running out of time, Piotr!" Kitty says as they continue to ascend the staircase. "Do you think the witch will help us?"

"There's only one way to find out!"

Back to Remy, who is again hypnotized by the giant ruby. _"Look at that ruby... here goes nothin'..."_ He is holding two of the palm leaves, and, as dramatic music from Fantasia plays, he slowly spreads them like wings. He hops off and begins to flap for all he's worth. "_Yeah! I'm flyin'! Success is mine! I'm rich, I tell ya, I'm rich! I tell you I am rich!"_ Of course, right about then, the reality factor kicks in and he drops like a stone. He lands in a bunch of very prickly bushes that line the bottom of the Hands._ "Ow!_ Ok, seriously, bushes do **not** belong there... oh... ow..."

Back in the staircase, the group makes its way all the way up to the palm of the giant hand on top of the Hands. Immediately, more dramatic music plays as the fingers bend in, making it all dark and crap. A single eyeball appears in a puff of dramatic smoke."Who dares disturb the great witch?" There is no mouth, but it's obviously Wanda's voice. "Wait... you're tellin' me I came all this way and I don't even get a cameo!"

Author: Of course you do... it's just as a puff of smoke.

"I'd better be gettin' payed for this..."

Kitty falls to one knee, the eyeball peering curiously at her. "I am Princess Kitty of the Not-So-Golden City and this is-" She gestures at Piotr, who also falls to one knee.

"Piotr, the cobbler."

Back to Remy, who has decided to change his strategy, opting to start flapping before plunging like a rock. Somehow, he's gotten back on the little ledge... _"Ok? Ready? Yeah, yeah! Get set! Here we go!"_ He takes off, and again drops like a stone, pulling up just before hitting the prickly bushes._ "Hey, hey, hey, hey! Yahoo!"_ There are airplane noises as he zooms around._ "Attention passengers, the seatbelt sign has been turned off. You can walk about the cabin freely. Channel eight on your headphones will be spotlighting the talents of Mel Torme."_ He flies upside-down above the RCLG.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch- I mean the Hands of Glory...

"God, this is starting to sound like it was written by you, with all this hopping around," Storm mutters.

Author: Hey!

Kitty begins to talk with the eyeball. "Our city is under an evil spell. The golden balls-"

"My brother, King Avalanche- Wait. WHAT!"

Author: You happen to supposedly be the twin sister of Avalanche. Sure, it's not canon, but, eh.

"You'd better do a Jonda (1) after this..."

Author: Eh, quit whinin'. posesses the golden balls."

"How could she know that?"

"Please, you must help us!" Piotr entreats.

There's a big, explosiony flash of light and a bunch of Completly Pointless Squeaking Bats, and the eyeball disappears, to be replaced by a cloud of smoke. "When to the wall you find your back, attack, attack, attack!"

"How can we attack the Avalanches?" Kitty asks.

**Now** Wanda actually shows up... well, sort of. She's all made of smoke too, and she floats in front of Piotr. "This. Is. Weird."

Author: Yes. It. Is.

She scowls, then gets on with her miniscule part. "Belief in yourself is what you lack! Attack! Attack! And never look back!"

There's a Fade to Black, and then we're with Pie again, who has lashed all of the alligators into a dog-sled-esque line. He is also sporting some bite-marks.

Kitty: -offscreen, snickering-

"You shut up!" Pietro yells, shaking his fist. He pulls a whip out of nowhere and whips the poor creatures. "Poor creatures! They nearly killed me!"

Author: Pity they couldn't finish the job.

Pietro glares at nobody in particular, then humphs and says his line. "Faster! Take me to your master! One mistake will suffice! Don't treat me lightly twice!" The alligators stop and he jumps off, brandishing the whip. He does that neat green flash of fire/smoke thing, glaring. The Avalanches crest the hill. "Take me to your master!"

Avalanche looks thoughtful.

Author: I hope his head explodes.

"Why do you-"

Very abruptly, again, we switch to the brigands, running across the desert. Kitty and Piotr are each riding one. "Back to the city, Logan, hurry! Hurry!" Kitty cries.

Remy, who for some reason isn't after the ruby anymore, is following them. He collapses, gasping for breath. _"Oh, yeah, hurry, you're bein' carried!"_

And now we go back to Pietro, where he and Avalanche are peering over a map. "None shall escape!" Avalanche proclaims.

"Except for the princess; that we agreed," Pietro says, holding up a finger. "She is the price for my traitor's deed." He draws a feminine shape in pink smoke... chauvinist pig. Avalanche looks unimpressed. "Is anybody impressed by magic!"

Author: No, just Avalanche. He's an idiot.

"I AM NOT!"

Everyone else: -boredly- Yes, you are.

Author: See? I didn't even say it this time!

Pietro snickers until the ground begins to shake. Then he eeps and starts again, pointing at the map... which is held up by the same creepy chicks who make up Avalanche's chair... yuck. "They will cower behind these walls when they see that we posess the three golden balls!"

"Tommorow, you shall ride at the front, sor-ce-rer!" Lance accents his words by poking Pietro in the nose, who looks increasingly nervous.

"The next morning the sun rose, but darkness fell on Bayville... did that sound as cheesy as I thought it did?" Piotr, in voice-over mode, asks.

Author: Yes. Yes it did.

We see the sun rise, and then we see that big dark cloud that's been following the Avalanches through the Impressionistic hills swoop down and darken Bayville.

Magneto, leaning out on a balcony, is peering through a spyglass. Seeing all this thinly veiled foreboding, he gasps.

"Avalanches! Attack!" Lance yells.

Pietro, riding his weird black horsey, is indeed leading the charge... and not looking too happy about it.

Then some Random Lance Clones start jumping on drums, and we see the full extent of the army. There're RLCs with shields, RLCs with maces, and RLCs with big pointy catapault things.

The brigands, still running, stop short. They happen to be behind Lance's war machine... I think, anyway. The war machine is a big thing that has feet and mouths and trunks... just trust me, it's weird.

Mags, peering through his neato spyglass, can see all of this. He puts his hand to his head. "Oh, my God! My daughter!"

"His daughter!" somebody cries from offscreen.

We switch back to the war machine, where the RLCs with maces are advancing on the group. Kitty and Piotr happen to be (DMP) in the front.

"I wasn't cryin'," Caliban proclaims.

"Ye were cryin', ye big sissy!" Lucas responds, smacking him.

"I think I soiled myself," Fred sobs.

Pietro peers at the brigands, where Piotr is edging out toward him. "The cobbler..." He rides forward, barely missing Pete.

_When to the wall you find your back, attack... _"Attack! A tack!" Piotr cries, Suddenly Getting It. He pulls out one of his omnipresent tacks as Pietro rides back at him.

"Piotr!" Kitty screams.

Piotr, completely unruffled (it seems that occasionaly robotlike emotions come in handy), pulls that neat yellow yarn from his pocket (apparently, he's held onto it all this time). He stretches it back, resting on his back and using his feet, no less, and sends the tack flying. Pietro just dodges it and runs past Piotr with a very sharp spear, cutting off the end of his pants. Piotr blinks.

"It turned out, one tack was all it took." Closeup on said tack; it goes flying and bounces off the RCLs's shields, spears, and head things. It is rerouted by a bendy head thing and flies through a curved thing, which sends it flying back at Pietro, where it lodges firmly in his poor horsey's butt. Ouch.

The horse, naturally, rears. He throws off Pietro, and the knife he was apparently holding strikes a string. The string snaps, which activates a catapault. The rock from the catapualt lands on a giant spring thing, which sends it flying. In its flight, it knocks over a big vat of lava.

Avalanche, watching all of this, looks understandably dismayed.

The molten rock sets fire to the inner workings, and this sends a bunch of spikey balls flying, which destroy a bunch of Important-Looking Machinery. A bunch of random elephants go running along, and they continue to activate the machine, sending arrows and smoke and who knows what else flying everywhere. Destruction abounds.

Remy, who has finally caught up, has a vantage point. He can see everything from his spot. _"Hey, what's all the excitement about?"_ Of course, the only thing he has eyes for are the golden balls._ "Oooh, there's three familiar faces... I'd better go over and say hello..._" Completely oblivious to all the fire and flying sharp things, he heads off.

Piotr, who is standing in the midst of billowing smoke and watching all of this, nearly gets smashed by a passing Giant Foot. I think it powers the machine... once again, not sure.

"Piotr!" Kitty shrieks. "Ok, whatever happened to kick-ass princess that we had a few minutes ago?" she demands, hand on her hips.

"Your would-be love interest just got almost smooshed. Kick-ass princess is hiding in a corner," Storm snaps.

Back to Remy, who has just spotted a way up to the golden balls. He starts to walk up some steps. "_There they are! Finally, something easy!"_ Of course, with all the rampant destruction, as soon as he does, the stairs in front and behind get smashed by falling spikeballs._ " Just walk up the stairs, grab the balls, and go home! I'll be in bed by eight!"_ Now the staircase is completely gone, and Remy's held up only by the falling singular steps._ "Just... walk up... the stairs... walk up, walk up, ok, maybe in bed by, by nine! Aaah!"_ Then, of course, he runs out of steps and falls, landing on a spinny cup not unlike those things they use to test astronauts. He gets dumped on a platform as we switch back to Pietro, who is, again, charging Piotr for no apparent reason.

"Aah!" Kitty, very classic horror-movie style, slaps her hands to her face.

Piotr, instead of dodging the horse like, say, a SANE person, just stands there and naturally gets knocked over.

"Hah hah!" Piotr cackles. He then charges Kitty, but instead of knocking her over, he grabs her.

This mandates another scream from Kitty. "Aah!"

Back with Remy, who is fast running out of options as the machine gets even more obliterated. _"I guess I'm safe up here... apparently not!" _The platform gets smashed, and Remy is left clinging to two halves of a ladder like stilts. Several spikeballs fly by, just barely missing some **other **balls...

Author: Damn. I promised myself I wouldn't do an intentional innuendo.

He stumbles away as the stilts get riddled with arrows._ "Thanks a lot guys, I had a really good time!"_

Back with Kitty, who is apparently wearing her face veil again. It comes and it goes during the whole scene. **Any**way, she pushes off Pietro's horse. "End of the ride, Pietro!" This, of course, completely overbalances the poor horsey and he falls over. It's just not a good day for this horse. She stumbles away, mumbling, "I've got to get back to the palace!"

Pietro is understandably p.o.'ed by this. Then Piotr comes over, glaring down at him. "When am I ever **not** looking down at him?" Piotr inquires.

"Oh, come on, I'm not THAT short!"

"Actually, you are," Storm comments.

"What, cobbler?" Pietro demands. He tackles Piotr and they roll around as we switch to Remy.

He's now made his way up to the balls's level, right above an Avalanche flag. _"Oh golden balls, shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art far more- ah, ah, oh, whatever..."_ Then he loses his grip (he's only holding on with his feet, mind) and goes sliding down the poles. "OW! Friction burn! PAIN!"

Author: -shakes head- Poor lad.

"Maybe you should help him," Storm suggests.

Everyone (except Remy): NAH!

"It's great to hear I'm so loved," Remy mumbles._ "Aaah! Man!"_ He lands on a springboard, which sends him flying over the balls. Remy takes the opportunity and grabs the top one._ "Don't mind if I do!"_ Then, of course, he lands on a giant crossbow, which is being pulled back by a mechanical hand... these people had some pretty sophisticated stuff! Anyway, he's playing the part of the bolt._ "No, guys, come on, I'm not tall enough to ride this ride! And I suffer from dizzy spells! And I'm_- Do I **really** have to say this?"

Author: Since I like you, I'll give you a reprieve. So, no. I can't put it any simpler. Hopefully, your small brain can cope.

"I thought y' liked me..."

"Yeah, well she likes me too, and look! I'm not even **in** this parody!" Kurt yells, from his little patch of non-existence.

Author: Ah, be quiet, I'm stickin' you in the next one.

"Yeah, but then I'm a dragon! With Hank!" (2)

Author: They can't all be perfect, fuzzbutt. Get outta here before I smite you. And if you're curious, what Remy refuses to say is _"And I'm pregnant!"_ It's understandable, I suppose.

Kurt disappears... or rather, goes back to not-existing.

Remy gets sent flying, to the _William Tell Overture._ Then he gets stuck in a cannon thing, the only thing exposed his hands and the ball... that just sounds **wrong** for some reason!

Back to where Piotr and Pietro (DAMN they have similar names) are fighting. Pietro is on top, until Piotr kicks him off. "No more tricks, sorcerer!" He tackles Pie, and is about to punch him, when Pie grabs him about the neck.

"Ooh, get him, Piotr!" Mystique yells. She and Kitty are apparently watching.

Once again, we switch to Remy, still stuck in the cannon thing. _"If I can fit, you can fit," _he proclaims._ "Once we get in here, we're safe!"_ Of course, that's not true. This is revealed when we zoom out, to see that the cannon thing is actually part of a giant bellows. A big elephant lands on it, and, for, like, the third time running, Remy goes flying. Damn, this must sound really circular. Remy lands on two interlocking gears, and, once again, oblivious to the imminent doom that is the other gear coming down to crush him, Remy follows the ball, which has slipped out of his hands... THAT IS WRONG!

Everyone else: Yes. Yes it is.

_"You, you, where do you think you're going? I'm talkin' to you! You hear me?"_ Remy, in his usual stupidity, follows the ball into the gear part. But, with his usual dumb luck, the gear that would've smashed him gets obliterated by a spikeball.

Author: Now's the part where we look back at the disclaimer quote and snicker. (3)_ "If I find out c'est just gold paint..."_

Piotr and Pietro are STILL fighting, but Piotr, with his usual fast thinking, struggles out of Pie's grip and stitches his sleeves together.

For like, the fourth time, we meet Remy flying through the air. He lands in a cannon thingy that actually IS a cannon._ "Man, this is gettin' old..." _He flies into space and over the pole holding up the golden balls._ "Well, as long as I'm here!"_ he think-crows, grabbing the second ball... YUCK... He falls again, and luckily lands on an Avalanche flag. It works like a trampoline, sending him bouncing off and onto another platform quite nicely. _"Cakewalk._"

"Piotr?" Kitty asks, as she runs over to meet Piotr. His sleeve is ripped now, too, and he generally looks a bit of a mess. "Oh, Piotr, you did it!" she cries, throwing her arms around him... -clears throat-

"Uh, Pete, you're supposed to hug her **back**," Storm points out.

"That would make me even **more** uncomfortable," Piotr mumbles, blushing.

Author: Do I have to smite you, too!

"Metal conducts electricity very well, so I hear," Storm comments.

Remy sticks his head into the stage. "Pete. We all know y' like her. Self-denial is bad." He inspects one of the balls. "Hey! This IS just gold paint!"

Author: What part of "five-dollar-budget" do you not get?

Piotr sighs, hugs Kitty, and says, "Well, I guess they never ran into a cobbler before... I feel dirty."

Mystique, watching, instead of yelling at them-

"Please! Yell!" Piotr shouts.

KRACKABOOM!

"I shall shut up now."

Author: I think I've put one of those in, like, every chapter of this parody.

"Pretty much," Storm agrees, looking smug.

Like I was saying, instead of yelling, grins and looks away.

_"Well, I've got you two back, now, how do I get the third?" _Remy wonders, strolling along. He doesn't really notice the arrows flying around him. God, he's dumb. Then he falls into a cup thing, which flips him onto a platform on a spring. This retracts, and he goes flying up the pole._ "Ow! Oh, it's you, hey, welcome back..."_ he thinks, grabbing the third and last ball. He flies up over the whole thing, getting a very nice view of the chaos below._ "Hey, I can see my house from here!_ No I can't."

Author: Smite him.

"But don't you need him for the next parody?" Storm asks.

Author: Don't care, just smite him! Or, on second thought, do it at the end of the chapter.

"Okay."

"No! No! It's not okay!"

"You signed the waiver, Remy," Storm says, grinning oh-so-evilly. "You put this upon yourself."

"Damn."

Storm cackles.

Remy, who was magically suspended (Lucky Charms, anyone!), now drops like a one-winged duck... I hate that metaphor. _"Man! Oh, oh, oh!" _He lands in a little cart that's being pulled up a track, much like a roller coaster._ "Are they kidding! Oh, please, no!"_ Have I mentioned it's, like, straight up?_ "Now I know why they make you keep your hands inside the car at all times! Oh, this is bad!"_ he think-mumbles, as he pauses on the very top._ "Aaagh!"_ Naturally, there's only so much track; the rest has been smashed somewhere along the line. So Remy, the balls, and his cart go flying... somehow, that doesn't sound right.

"Does anything sound right to you?" Storm demands.

Author: If it's got the word "Balls" and "Remy" in it... no, probably not.

"Hey! I do have **some** honor, y' know!"

Everyone else: -raised eyebrows- Right.

_"Ooh, shouldn't there be tracks here? _AAAAAH!"

Pietro is trying to escape. It's somewhat hobbled, though, by the fact that, since Piotr's stitched him up, his hands are stuck down by his feet and he can only hop. "The greatest wizard has to know exactly when it's time to gooooowww!" His words degenerate into screaming as he steps on a tack... yes, the tack that started all of this. Of course, he falls backwards... into the alligator pit, again, of course.

It's very dark, and all that can be seen are the eyes and teeth (the very SHARP teeth) of the residents. "Yum! Look who dropped in!"

"My friends, my friends, are you still here?" Pietro asks, backing up as all of the gators open wide.

"Where did we get these gators, anyway?" Storm asks, cocking her head.

Author: Remy's backyard. Duh.

"I haven't fed you yet, I fear!" Pietro stammers.

Todd swoops down in the hole, looking jubilant. "Mmm, yo, a smorgasboard!"

"Oh, my bottom! Oh, my top! Greedies, don't you ever stop?" Pietro begs as the gators munch him.

"Heeere's Toddles, yo!" Todd cries, landing on Pietro's shoulder.

"You too, Toddles, man's best friend. For Pietro then, it is the end," Pie mumbles, as Todd opens wide and has lunch.

Author: I **told** you you got recompense!

"This rocks yo! But Pietro tastes **nasty**!"

"My machine!" Avalanche cries, moaning and gnashing his creepy yellow teeth. His machine is all in flames now, and is pretty much kaputski.

"My daughter, you're safe!" Magneto cries, hugging Kitty... albeit, a little reluctantly.

Remy runs from the wreckage. _"I'll just melt these down, and uh..."_ He gasps as he sees all the people._ "Maybe no one will notice?"_

"The golden balls!" Mags cries.

_"They noticed,_" Remy thinks as a bunch of RCLGs with the addition of big swords close in.

"You found them!" Magneto exults. "Oh, wonderful, wonderful!"

_"Ah, well, I guess I should do the right thing," _Remy thinks. "Why? De right t'ing sucks!"

"You said it yourself: it IS just gold paint," Storm says.

Remy sighs, and holds them out. It takes Piotr a few tugs to get him to let go, though.

"And with the greatest courage, Piotr, you have saved our kingdom!" Magneto continues, as Piotr gets lifted up by the mentioned RCLGs. "And your friend returned the golden balls!" he adds. Remy, who is trying to sneak away, also gets lifted up by the RCLGs.

_"It was my civic duty,"_ he thinks, striking a pose.

There's an explosion as the last of Lance's machine collapses. "And so, Avalanche and his army were defeated for all eternity."

The scene changes to the castle, where Piotr (in a neat white, patched robe) is kneeling before Magneto and Kitty. "The prophecy is fulfilled. The city owes you a great debt of gratitude, oh cobbler. How can we ever repay you?" The camera backs up a bit, revealing the brigands, who're also in neat white robes.

"Father..." Kitty murmurs. She leans over and whispers in his ear.

"Oooh..." Magneto says, eyes widening.

"With the golden balls returned, Bayville was once again happy and secure." We switch to a big courtyard, where a bunch of people are lined up in front of Kitty and Piotr, who are standing on a balcony. "And when Princess Kitty and I were- please don't make me say it."

Storm gets out of her director's chair and swats him in the head. "I'm sick of it. Just say the line and admit you like the girl."

Remy pokes his head onstage. "Go Storm!"

Voiceover!Piotr sighs, and goes on. "Were wed, I became Prince Piotr. The first Arabian Knight." Kitty drops her boquet onto the crowd, and takes off her face veil, turning to Pete.

"I love you."

Piotr, blushing like crazy, responds, "And I love you." They hug.

Author: Once again, say it with me: AWWWWW...

A whip-pan to Remy, who has his bo staff again and is valiantly charging the ball tower... GODDAMMIT! _"And I love big distractions like weddings," _he think-proclaims, jumping at, and naturally missing the tower.

Now Kitty and Piotr kiss.

Author: One more time: AWWWWW! "So next time you see a shooting star, be proud of who you really are. Do in your heart what you know is right, and you too shall become an Arabian Knight." The scene switches from a tracking shot of Bayville to a snapshot of Remy, posing by the balls. "Oh, and as for the theif, he spent years in jail, but when he learned his lesson, the king made him head of palace security, and even agreed to let him take one last thing..."

"The End" is proclaimed in big golden letters as Remy creeps onto the screen, grabbing them and stuffing them into his trenchcoat. _"I shouldn't steal again, but maybe, just the E, and the H, and what about the T? E, N, D... I'll just hold onto these little goodies until the reviews come out."_

Author: -clears throat meaningfully- Do I really have to say it?

He creeps over to the edge of the screen and grabs it, pulling down the film. The score plays as he tucks it away. _"What's this? Yep, oh, the film! Yeah! I'll just tuck that away in my little cloak and I'm on my way... these flies are driving me crazy..."_ he adds as he edges away onto blank space.

Author: And that is, as they say, a wrap!

Piotr runs away as fast as he can.

"Hey! Big guy! Call me!" Kitty yells after him. "He's actually a really good kisser."

Storm: -pokes author- I thought you shipped Kurtty.

Author: As I've explained a plethora of times, I do, but Kiotr's just so darn cute... and easy to write.

(And that is indeed that. REVIEW!)

(1) Eventually, I will do a Jonda. I have two plotted out: _The Sweetest Thing_, and _My Boss's Daughter,_both really funny movies which I reccomend watching at least once and which I won't be able to do 'til I get the DVDs.

(2) My next parody will be _Quest for Camelot._ It'll be a Rahm, and it'll have Kurt and Hank as a two-headed singing dragon, Remy and Rogue as chickens-

Remy: WHAT!

Yes, as chickens, and Forge as the director! 'Cause he's groovy, and Ororo has a major role.

(3) Nicked from Toddfan. The joke, not the DQ. That's from Odd Thomas. Go read it.


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